


A Long Descending Road

by xantissa



Series: Carnival of Rust [26]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Friendship, Jim is completly out of his mind, M/M, business as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 05:25:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3884032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xantissa/pseuds/xantissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh." Jim said out loud. "You don't trust me." That was hard to swallow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Long Descending Road

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, that happened.  
> 04-05-2015

Jim was jerked out of his morose thoughts as the chime to his door announced Spock's arrival. He used his PADD to open it, not willing to hobble back and forth between the armchair and the door.

 

His First Officer ducked his head a little as he entered. "Captain," he greeted.

 

Jim raised his eyebrows, silently reminding him of their agreement about names when off duty.

 

"Jim," Spock corrected uncertainly. It was funny just how uncomfortable the man was with informality, yet Jim would not let go. Jim hated being formal and if he was honest, he loved watching Spock squirm.

 

"Sit down." He pulled out a carafe of Nascilian alcohol, something he knew Spock enjoyed, and gestured the chair opposite him.

 

The Vulcan inclined his head and took the other chair, folding his long frame onto the comparably small piece of furniture.

 

"Did McCoy talk to you about me yet?" Jim bit the bullet as he poured them the first shot.

 

Spock nodded, taking the offered glass.

 

"As your First Officer, he felt I should be informed of your state of health," Spock said quietly.

 

Jim swallowed the first shot in one go and looked expectantly at Spock, until the other man did the same, grimacing at the burn. Funnily enough the Nascilian alcohol was more potent for Vulcans that it was for humans.

 

"It looks like I will not be given the chance to see this thing to an end. Nor will I be allowed to go for the five year mission."

 

"Jim..." Spock started but Jim stopped him immediately.

 

"Tell me the chances of me keeping my position as Captain of the Enterprise with a bionic foot." If the blond’s voice was bitter, neither man mentioned it.

 

Spock closed his eyes for a second.

 

"No chance. The regulations have never been broken. There are physical requirements for all active crew members, no matter their rank."

 

Jim poured them each another drink.

 

"You know what I want to ask you, right Spock?"

 

Spock remained quiet.

 

Jim sighed and took a sip of his alcohol.

 

"The most probable choice for promotion is you. I intend to do everything I can to make sure you are the one to take my position."

 

The words were like broken glass, descending though his throat. It fucking hurt to even think that in a few weeks he would no longer be a Captain of The Enterprise, just a glorified clerk somewhere.

 

"I do not want it," Spock said suddenly, almost angry.

 

Jim looked at his friend.

 

"You do want it," Jim corrected gently. "You just don't want to take it from me."

 

Spock turned his eyes away.

 

"I think you are an outstanding Captain, your ability to think not only out of the box but almost sideways has allowed us to avoid a negative outcome many times."

 

"Spock," Jim swallowed. "We... I have started something, something big enough that it can no longer be stopped. I want you to promise me that you will continue working with Khan to save his people."

 

Spock tightened his jaw.

"He is dangerous. And ruthless. He feels nothing for the people he killed in his mad quest for vengeance. I am not sure I can commit to working with him for so long."

 

"You don't trust him," Jim concluded, not surprised at all. Considering their history, he didn't trust Khan either.

 

"As much as Khan is guilty, we can't sentence what is left of his race for his crimes."

 

It was a cruel thing to say to Spock after the recent destruction of Vulcan, but it was nevertheless true.

 

"I am aware."

 

"But do you agree?" Jim persisted.

 

Spock poured himself another shot and drank it down in one gulp.

 

"It is not that I do not trust Khan. He is very predictable in his loyalties and as long as we work towards a common goal, there is little to worry about."

 

Jim stared at Spock. It took him a moment to realize just what Spock was talking about.

 

"Oh," Jim said out loud. "You don't trust _me_." That was harder to swallow.

 

The Vulcan met his eyes, steady and sure, if unhappy.

 

"Why?" Jim all but croaked. He needed more to drink.

 

"The bond. Ever since Dr. McCoy used Khan's blood to save your life, Khan's influence on you has been growing. First the need for contact, the mood swings. That could be explained and controlled. But since you came back from your ill-fated mission, you have been different, Jim. Your connection with Khan is...very noticeable. After Dr. McCoy informed me of the psychic bond...I became concerned about the scope of influence the Augment has on you."

 

"Well. " Jim cleared his throat, trying very, very hard not to feel betrayed. "Um." He floundered for words. "How can I convince you?"

 

"That is the conundrum."

 

Jim sighed. "My words are not enough, because my words might not _be_ my words."

 

They sat in silence for a long while, just drinking. Suddenly the alcohol didn't really taste that good.

 

Eventually Jim realized he would have to bite the bullet for the second time in this conversation. But he was never one to play things out cautiously; he was the kind that went all in, for better or for worse. He was honest with himself enough to see it as nothing but the addiction to adrenaline and only one of the myriad of his issues.

 

"Personally I don't think Khan is even trying to affect me though the bond. I have spent weeks with him, cut off from civilization, bored to tears and I think I got to know him a little. He has a very strict, if odd moral code. I think there's a way for you to be sure that I am still me, and my decisions are my own." Jim broke the silence finally.

 

"What do you propose?"

 

The blond grimaced and then took a deep breath.

 

"Mind meld."

 

Spock stared.

 

"I mean you can control how deep you go, right?"

 

The Vulcan looked at him for a long moment, obviously thinking about something.

 

"The other version of me did this to you," he concluded eventually.

 

Jim nodded, pretending he didn't see the emotion in Spock's eyes at this realization.

 

"Yes. And I want you to do it now. Because I'm sure I will chicken out if I give myself time to think about it."

 

The Vulcan shook his head.

 

"This is not something you should agree to under duress. It is intensely invasive and for all of your outgoing attitude, you are one of the most private men I have ever met."

 

Jim was way too sober for this, but he also remembered how it felt to have older Spock in his head and...it wasn't so bad. The old man knew what to steer clear off and how to announce his presence. Jim needed Spock on his side, especially now that everything was going down the drain at remarkable pace.

He grabbed his friend’s wrist and leaned towards him, pulling the hand towards his face.

 

"It's quick, easy and you will be sure then, right?"

 

Spock swallowed and nodded, but his eyes were very wide.

 

"Do it. Do it now."

 

The other man stared at Jim for what felt like an eternity before nodding and shifting his fingers on Jim's face.

 

The blond closed his eyes, not really wanting to see Spock's face as he looked into Jim's deepest secrets.

 

The rush was almost familiar now. Just a cool, very careful presence in his mind. The odd feeling of being not alone in his own head. Just as before, Spock was very, very careful. He moved slowly , letting Jim know just what he was looking at.

He could feel the other man searching for his memories of Khan and braced himself. Spock would see things Jim didn't really admit to himself yet, but Khan was the root of the problem so there was no avoiding it.

 

He felt Spock examine his decisions and reaction from the last days, felt how carefully Spock skimmed his talk with Bones. It was almost funny, how Spock treated him as if he was something fragile and precious, as if he would break at the slightest pressure.

 

Spock was going deeper though, going further, to the crash and suddenly Jim remembered how it felt to be trapped in that damn wreck, with water going higher and higher, how it felt to die there, cold and alone. Before he could get too deep into the traumatic memory, Spock directed him elsewhere, skipping further, looking at how Khan took care of him in that cave. That rough, effective way of him. The way he showed no pity towards Jim and his lost leg. The way he treated him, wanted him, fucked him as if Jim was an equal, something to be wanted.

 

Spock pushed, and looked into the ways Jim looked at Khan, all the terrible things he felt towards the Augment. The shame and anger, the awe and disgust, the desire that made it impossible to even look at the man without getting hot, and overwhelming fear under it all. Fear that it was just a game, just a trick and he risked all his friends for something that wasn't even real. Fear of himself, of Khan, of all the things Jim could do wrong. It was like a constant battle, a balancing act between leading Khan gently into a more peaceful existence and pushing him into some extreme action. And Jim knew he wasn't good enough to lead a whole race, he wasn't smart or strong enough to do anything else that just fuck it up so badly, just like...

 

Everything exploded into a rush of sound and pain.

 

When Jim blinked his eyes open, he was curled up in his chair and Spock was just picking himself off the floor, groaning.

 

"Wha... What happened?" He croaked, feeling as if somebody hit him with something big and hard.

 

Spock rubbed his face, wiping away a few drops of blood.

 

"Are you all right?" Jim asked again, his head was clearing up. "Should I call Bones?"

 

Spock raised his hand in a universal sign for stop.

 

"I am fine." Finally the Vulcan was back in his seat.

 

"What happened? Everything seemed to go all right, but then... It shouldn't end like this, right?" Because the few times he saw

 

Spock attempt a mind meld it definitely wasn't anything like this.

 

"I was kicked out," The Vulcan answered finally. "It seems I touched the bond a little more firmly than I intended and received a warning not to do so again."

 

"Khan did that?"

 

Spock furrowed his brows.

 

"I am not sure. The reaction was certainly brutal, but I do not think it was conscious." The man tried to straighten himself a bit more. "The bond is much less intrusive than I expected. It is almost passive. If I had to make a comparison, I would say it behaves much like one of Dr. McCoy's scanners. It monitors you and only reacts when you react outside the norm."

Jim thought about that for a moment.

 

"I panicked," he admitted.

 

Spock nodded.

 

"And as soon as you did, the collective kicked out the foreign presence."

 

"Have you ever felt something like that?"

 

His First Officer hesitated.

 

"Once. During my fight with Khan over San Fransisco. I tried to mind meld with him then in order to get the upper hand in our fight, but he managed to shake it off." Spock looked thoughtful. "He was much weaker then. I assume the strength and stability of his mind really does depend upon the number of people with whom he is connected."

 

"So do you believe me now?"

 

For a moment Spock looked like he wanted to say something more, but eventually nodded.

 

"Yes. Your mind is your own."

 

"Good," said Jim grimly. "Because we have to plan how to make you look like the best possible candidate for promotion now."

 

*          *          *

 

Turin reached for the communicator even before it started chirping.

"I felt it too boss," he said as soon as he answered.

 

"We need to figure out how to train against telepathic invasion too," Khan rumbled down the line, angry. "Any idea who it was?"

 

Turin sighed and looked at the ceiling of his quarters, thinking.

 

"Spock."

 

There was long silence.

 

"Damn. Do you think he figured out what you did before?"

 

"Nah. There would be much more drama now if he had," Ao answered.

 

"Work  out a schedule. Goodnight."

 

The end


End file.
